17/52.

"a portrait of my children, once a week, every week, in 2014"

homer and theo

i think today...Sunday...4 weeks after Theo was born...we've hit a point where the crying (on my part;) is less and the sleep is...still scarce but sleep deprivation is manageable...tolerable?!

this 'two kid thing' has been a punch to the throat shock to the system. I love it with all my damn heart. For real. But it's been SO fucking hard. A lot hard. The most. But I think that's completely normal. Homer's at a tough age. Being defiant. Pushing boundaries. Seeing how far he can go. And I think he's a bit of a sassy personality anyway:) But gosh darn...I love him. I love how he talks. I love his little teeth and his "sawwwww-weee'ssss" (sorrys) after a time-out:)

And then you throw all those newborn things into the mix. Sleepless nights. Endless nursing. I'm basically a human burp rag. That's a fact. But I can already tell she's amazing...I noticed that the minute she arrived;) - break for an ugly cry:') - I love her. And she's soft and she's perfect.

today I stopped feeling so tired. Even though I still am. Today I'm gonna do some lunges - after I finish this caramel frappe;). Today I finally feel better and I'm gonna write that shit in  the journal I keep for Theo. I'm gonna tell her that I've loved her since before I knew she existed. She was meant for us. But that shit kinda sucked and kinda was the best at the same time, for the first 4 weeks and that can wreck your head. And I'm SUPER glad she'll never remember sitting in her baby chair outside the shower/next to the bed/next to the couch while I ugly cried. And that's not because she was crying, she's actually been a great baby...it's mostly cause I felt the most tired I've ever felt...EVER. And I felt like I was missing out on Homer's life and failing him and raising him wrong and that he was going to be a dick forever cause he was a dick right that minute. So nothing too big;)

SO when Theo has her baby and she's feeling that way - and she will cause I'm sure I passed on my ugly cry (and lack of emotional control) to her - I'm gonna be there to come hold her baby and pretend I don't hear her ugly crying in her shower;)

PS. MOM - thank you for not shaking me when I was a baby. Cause I knowwwww you must have wanted to;) And thank you for coming over to hold Theo while I painted my nails. And for just being a phone call away. It's the best feeling to know you're there when I need you:)